Self-Resolving Issues

I'm back to square one. I went from 2 choices to 0. Due to the process I went about to choose one option, both eliminated themselves.

Unintentional, yet at least I'm back to stability. I think....

Destabilizers

Why does it seem that right when I'm finally about to stabilize my love life, it gets rocked by someone so amazing that one thing I want to do is reconsider?

It's time to weigh the pros and cons of tradition vs interest, pure stability vs romance.

Who knew settling could be so hard.

Freedom...should feel better

I am finished with everything, yet still at a level of stress. There comes this time when you must achieve certain stress thresholds before it becomes the norm so that you may achieve a higher one. I think that I have achieved such a high level of stress this past semester, it is just normal to be at less high, but still high level. That scares me.

I hope that I put this anxiety to good use.

Brain Vomit

Overstudying causes the brain to vomit out information. It causes me to make 10 thousand notecards the night before an exam because my brain just refused to retain it all.

At the end it felt like a giant vacuum. Sucking. Sucking in everything it could take, but really all it could take was air.

Burning out has never hit so hard and had such bad timing.

Rare Satisfaction

There are some moments in your life when you just want to know how in the world that happened and why it doesn't happen more often.

I originally had 3 problems, when I decided to deal with one, the other two somehow magically dissolved. When I finally fixed the third, the other two didn't bother to recommence. It's amazing.

I'm going to try to keep this up for a long time. But as past trends have shown I'm due for a February crash...

On a roll

Happiness is magical. I passed my exams, miraculously. Well not so much miraculously as it was so much hard studying that I've been burned out for two days now.

And on that note, I decided to give a certain someone a second chance. Sometimes one realizes that when one plays a game that is going the way they want, one might as well drop the game just go and get what one wants.

We'll see how this works out.

Happiness is Magical

I'm about to enter Hell Week #2, the first one went EXCELLENTLY well with quality results. So I'm hoping I can ride off the happiness of week #1 to help me succeed in #2, despite being two different fields.

Will the theory prove true? Let's cross our fingers, wiggle our noses and see.

All-Nighters

Here are a few things I learned over the past 4 days:

1) When pulling an all-nighter it is okay to take 10-20 minute power naps every couple of hours. It is NOT okay to take an hour nap because you miss the alarm and end up sleeping 6 or 7. Mission: FAIL.

2) When needing to transfer something to another computer and you are super busy, use a USB. DO NOT attach it to an email. Logging into an inbox causes the following things: being on Gchat, going to Facebook, checking funny links, staying on Facebook, getting distracted....3 hours later....you realize that you're mission has FAILED.

3) So you want to study and your friends want you to hang out. DO tell one group you're hanging out with the other and then end up not hanging out with either one. But make sure they do not end up merging groups at the end of the night....or else you have lied and you have FAILED.

4) Studying can only come in chunks. When you feel burned out, do NOT go on the Internet. It results in blogging everyday, checking Facebook several times an hour and in the end you could have taken an actual break....FAIL

The only difference

Best quote ever:

"The only differentiator between you and my ex is that you danced. But since you weren't doing that this semester I didn't know where to go from there."

And I thought there was nothing worse than:

"You haven't made out with me for a month."

"Uhhh....I know. You know what, we need to talk."

Guys, constantly proving me wrong.

Getting close to mastery...

If anything was to be learned this semester, it was that perception is everything. And my abilities at the art of conversation and flirtatious combat have greatly benefitted from my newly developed skills of perception.

Today I made the most beautiful conversation of passive aggression and nonchalantness with an air of "j'en sais quoi" ever. Sometimes I feel that I make a great conversation and then when I reread the transcript (yes these conversations are transcripted) I see that I was so flawed in my logic or that I did not present my logic well enough for the other party to understand and thus ruined all hopes of perception. This conversation, upon reread after reread made so much sense to me and did such a remarkable job of saying exactly what I wanted to say that I could just read it again.

I am getting close to mastering this art, or perhaps not close, but am one step higher in the process.

Trends and Cowards

I notice that when I become more emotionally involved in a guy I blog more. Not about the guy, but just in general. Wait false, things pertaining to guys are mainly my topic of conversation. On this note let me re-iterate a conversation I had today with guy who decided to tell me he was no longer interested.

Him: "So what do you want me to say?"
Me: "Well I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, can you just clear it up? Do you want to postpone the dinner for one time or do you mean you just don't want to go ...ever?"
Him: "Oh well..umm..you know it's kind of awkward between us."
Me: "I don't think we've talked enough for it to become awkward."
Him: "Oh..umm..uhh...well wait, what do you mean?"
Me: "Listen I was under the impression we were going to give this a shot after I was done doing my shit and stopped being so busy. So are we?"
Him: "Oh, um, you know, like, you know it's been a while. And you know"
Me: "Are you interested or not?"
Him: "Well you know it's been a long time and I think it would be .um, best to you know, umm.."
Me: "Do you want to call it off?"
Him: "Well um..."
Me: "You want to call if off?"
Him: "Yeah, let's call it off."
Me: "Okay then, bye."

Seriously? I had to make him say it? I mean if you notice he didn't even say it in the end. Guys...can they get even more cowardly. Let's put this more in context that we haven't dated or had any real romantic interaction other than flirting via IM and brief encounters. So it wasn't even like he had to break up with me. It was like, he had to tell me he didn't want to go on what would have been our first date. He couldn't even call off that? I'd hate to see what he's like when he actually has to go through a breakup.

Oh and that boy strike that I was going to go on, ended but it's definitely high time that I get back with that and stick with it until someone truly amazing and can have enough backbone to cancel a date comes along.

Alpha and Omega Bar

When one names one's bar the Alpha and Omega Bar (First thing you go to, Last thing you remember), don't take too many drinks from it. You know what is being served, you know what proportions they are in, you know why you named it the Alpha and Omega Bar.

Don't let the bartender leave the bar and let guests handle the mixing. He knows what's going on, they might kill you with half glasses of Everclear.

Don't order jello shot potency by the colors of the rainbow and then only serve the purple ones.

Don't chase tequila with absinthe.

Don't chase guys after chasing tequila with absinthe, you look even more like a fool when drunk(not to mention desperate).

Marginal Benefits

Typical Thursday Morning:

8:15am: If I go to class today I will fall asleep, I might as well sleep in my bed.

9am: if I get up to eat breakfast, it will feel the same as if I wake up at noon and eat lunch.

11am: if I sleep a lot today, then tomorrow I can sleep a lot too and be really ready for my exam.

11:03am: Oh shit, I have an exam tomorrow.

11:05am: There's still a whole chapter I haven't looked at

11:10am: Oh shit, class started at 10:30, might as well sleep.

11:30am: False, I should study.

And for once in my life, I did NOT fall back asleep at 11:30...and wake up at 2 and then REALLY had to study.

Motivators Not Worth Setting

Never use the following as motivators:

1) Eating an immense amount of food if certain goal is achieved.

Problem: Stress put into achieving goal already induces increased food intake, the reward furthers the problem.

2) Not speaking to a person you like until goal is achieved

Problem: You are probably sad not achieving this goal, not speaking to someone you like just makes another area of your life sad. Should this person be a friend, they might understand; should it be a love interest, well then your life might suck some more.

3) Getting to do nothing for a whole day when mid-goal achieved.

Problem: Point of setting a deadline for the mid-goal is to have enough time to achieve the final goal. Taking an immense break results in unneeded stress and time wasted. You become more fucked over and then you regret relaxing.

Down in the Pits of Hell, By Lucfer's Hairy Legs

If we learned anythng from Dante's Inferno, it was that things get worse before they get better.

The best thing about feeling like you are wallowing in so deep in the pits of Hell is that you are almost out. I just have to be disoriented a few times and will crawl out the other side.

So is it Puragortio next? Or Paradiso?

We'll have to see.

The 9th Electron

For a while I have been running on a very high stress level, yet not being behind in anything. It's amazing how I let nothing slip through my fingers and thought processes. But I knew, this could not last for long, if one more thing was added to my plate, the delicate equilibrium I had worked hard to achieve would fall apart.

This equilibrium after much practice, had become streamlined. I was doing this, and I was happy. I wanted to stay this way. Should I lose one thing that I was doing, I would have all this extra time and would no doubt lose efficiency since I would just loiter around and waste a lot of time. In the same way, should I gain something I would reach a breaking point.

One could say I have achieved an octet. Lose an electron I'd be reactive to find another, not so bad. Then something tries to be my 9th electron...

Moral of the Story: I am sorry if any person is ever a 9th electron

For the love of suits and stilettos

Dressing up? So much fun. I used to ask my business friends why they hated it so much.

"It's uncomfortable"
"So high maintenance."
etc.

I think it looks...smashing, absolutely brilliant. Every time I see a guy wear a suit...scratch that, wear a suit WELL (as in the shirt fits, and his pants aren't too long) I just want to go up and grab his tie and kiss him. Of course that would be bad ettiquette, but it's what I think.

As for myself, I thought it was a lot of fun. Until yesterday I got stuck in a suit 4 hours longer than I had intended. When the pain kicked into my arches and the jacket got stuffy I wanted out. And then I understood.

One Week Expiration Date

I always notice what someone is wearing. Any particular special occassion I have spent with someone I can picture the event and the person in full detail, down to their shoes. Strangely enough it's like how I hold onto a memory to make it tangible.

I also know the last time someone wore a particular. For this reason, I have established a one week limit to when I can wear an outfit again. Of course I try to go for one month. But sometimes you like an outfit too much to do that.

That is where the one week expiration date comes in. Because I can only remember what other people wore up till a week ago, I am figuring they wil have even shorter memories of me.

Sappy Chick Flicks

There is no end for my love of sappy chick flicks. And they must be of a certain caliber. They can't be too ridiculous and they can't be too deep.

They must be of the kind (which most ppl hate) where the situation is just ridiculous enough that you hope it never happens to you, but plausible in the Hollywood way. Of course the ending must be good and the twists thrown in must be fresh, yet cliched in their purposes.

I'm talking about 27 dresses, Made of Honor, Ugly Truth, He's Just Not That Into You chick flicks, not your high quality business like "When Harry Met Sally" (albeit that's adorable too).

As for why I love them so much. Truthfully, I don't know. Maybe it's because I want my life to have dramatic moments like that. And possibly because of my love for these films, I create moments like that in my life, so I can pretend it is a movie....and that's my hopeless romantic coming out.

There comes a time...

I remembered when I couldn't wait to choose my career path. I couldn't wait to have a serious relationship that lasted beyond the fleeting moments of a high school dance. I couldn't wait to live on my own, have my own apartment, cook my own food, have late night chats with my roommates.

I hate making decisions. Hate it. All my life I feel like they've been guided along for me by adults, older than me. And they all came out just fine. I knew what I wanted and I told them and they made the decisions for me. Not that I had no control, it was just nice to have someone/thing to rely on. And if the situation came out badly it was not my fault.

Recently, this has stopped. And the results I desire are no longer coming out of someone else's accord. Because things are so tailored to me, no more set in stone, generic issues, I don't know what to do. Well I do. Because the situations aren't that unique. I just don't know what outcome I want.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love the independence of deciding for myself. It's just I have reached a point when these decisions are mine completely and absolutely and ones I have to take all responsibility. As cowardly as it sounds, it scares. Quite frankly, this growing up business, is just as hard as every cliched "coming of age" story puts it.

9 months...

9 months....all it took was 9 months to begin 2 serious relationships (and have them end aprubtly) and two side flings.

Stopping for the next three months? I hope so.

The Art of Flirtatious Combat

Flirting, it's fun, it's frivolous and one does it naturally with an attractive guy. But to many extents it's a potent weapon of manipulation. This has been proved a number of times by powerful courtesans, concubines and queens.


Yet it is often rare to run into one's own brand of flirting. When this becomes the case, combat gets interesting. You know exactly what manuevers your opponent will use to counter yours. It's like playing chess with yourself. There's even the same dilemma of whom you want to win.

In one area if you win in your ploy to play hard to get, you don't end up with the other party. Yet you fight in this arena till the end, it's hard to know when to stop. I guess, in this case, you would want the opponent to win in the end, but only because you let him.

In the end it drives you crazy because not only are having trouble figuring out what you want to do. You are having trouble figuring why you even wanted this guy in the first place.

When the war escalates to this level, war for the sake of it, you know you've done something terribly wrong. Not only are you as far as possible from salvaging a relationship, but you also are addicted. You're mind is fixated on fighting and enjoying the dopamine highs you experience from winning a tiff.

Why you should always remember your keys...

So you go see the Harry Potter showing at midnight. And like any other crazed Harry Potter fan who goes to see a movie at midnight, you don some Harry Potter gear, be it a HP shirt or a full-on uniform.

As for me, I took the uniform, of course in a much more cute-d up style. Slytherin being my house of choice I adorned myself in all green accessories and matched with a pair of silver shoes. To top it off, I tattooed a dark mark on my arm with thick black sharpie. There was ONLY ONE OTHER girl in the theater who was dressed up in a uniform. And of course, she was full on Gryffindor, from tie to sweater to school robes.

What did I want to do? Duel her of course. Well, as a joke. Yet somehow as she was walking down the aisle, staring at me, I gave her my stank face. As in my "Yo, Gryffindor b**** you wanna fight?" face. It must have been the Slytherin in me rising up.

So I get back from this movie. Ready to crash and sleep. I am locked out of my apt. My roommates are so asleep. They don't hear my knocks. I had to room at my friends. Which wasn't so bad until I had to walk back in the morning in a uber short skirt, disheveled shirt and makeup and bed hair. It takes the "walk of shame" to a whole new level as I had spent the night with Harry Potter. Or rather...given my colors, Draco Malfoy.

Things One Should Never Do

1) Cheat/Have Affair/Two Flings At Once

While the first two require a breaking of formality, nobody said the last one was illegal. But then again, nobody said that the last one was also hard to go about. Needless to say, countless hours have been spent in ironic situations only to be laughed at later. Worth it? For the fun and excitement that it creates, yes. For the possibility of being caught and thus creating a reputation of being frivolous even in the situations of romance? No not really.

2) Fall Asleep at Work

Sure you're reading a report and it bores you. Maybe the meeting is not something you're interested in. But when you are actually sitting down and doing something? And then you fall asleep? Yeah, you're in trouble. That sucks. Sleeping disorder anybody?

3) Fall in love with one guy for 7 years

Unless you're getting married to him of course. But if there is no chance at all of marriage or even dating, you lose. And you're stuck with this one guy on your mind, for a loooong time. Of course if he tells you that he loves you, even though you know not in the way you love him, it makes you ridiculously happy. And that, well that, makes you kind of pathetic.

4) Like a guy who your mom likes you to like

This results in statements like: "You cannot date anyone besides Person X until Person X graduates." Or "Person X was better at [insert activity here] than [current guy]." Or better yet "Why are you wasting time with [current guy]? It's not like you're going to marry him, but Person X..."

No mother, I am not marrying Person X.

5) Eat too much chocolate/Eat too much ice cream/Eat too much chocolate ice cream

According to my friend studying traditional Eastern Medicine, the contents of these products result in breakouts. I haven't touched it in a month and my skin is clear, absolutely free of oil. But then the other day I indulged in all three, now I am spotty. Three giant spots on my nose and one on my forehead.

Canada Day

Today my Canadian roommate is celebrating Canada Day. What do I get out of it? A cake made with strawberries so that it looks like the Canadian flag.

Delicious.

I asked her if she would make maple candy. She said she didn't know how. Shouldn't it be one of her instincts?

Code Names

The necessity of code names for guys has existed since I was in primary school. Yet here I am, all grown up, and still refer to guys by either pieces of food (i.e. chocolate tart) or another name (i.e. Clark Kent).


Whereas before it was just taboo to mention your fancying of another boy in your class (though to this day, I do not understand what was so embarassing), now it might be because the guy is just a plain taboo to like.

The problem arises in the fact that I seem to always fall for someone else's boyfriend, a good friend or a co-worker. Yet even when they realise themselves, the result is often disastrous. Perhaps the christening of a guy with a code name should actually be a warning sign for me to stop pursuing...

Follow-ups

My friend (from "Fatty") actually went to a club and punched the guy for calling her fat.

The guy who loves me, still does, but not in the way I love him. He is more friendly-material I guess...though I wish a great deal he was not.

I am still falling for someone I shouldn't but he too is friendly-material, or perhaps less-than-friendly-material, and as for that I wish we were actually friendly-material.

But all that put aside, I am quite content and today realised the necessity for a new swimsuit.

Semi-Lana Lang

Say I date a guy who looks semi-Clark Kent, does this make me semi-Lana Lang?

I mean, I admire Lana Lang a great deal (in fact in my first few years of college, I wanted to be exactly like her, or rather, look like her. Vanity is quite my characteristic flaw....). But the worst part of this all, I like the guy a lot more because of this.

Shallow-osity level? Just increased.

Kiss Me, under the milky twilight...

I'm falling hard for someone I don't think I should...things could get messy.

On the bright side, actually I don't know what it is, but I am strangely happy.

1234, Tell Me That You Love Me More

Today the guy I love, (see previous post), indirectly told me he loved me.

I can't even describe how happy I am.

MIT

As a joke I dressed up in the dorkiest outfit I could find (horn-rimmed rhinestone glasses, v-neck sweater on top of a collared shirt all the buttoned, too long jeans and sneakers, no makeup whatsoever) and went for a jaunt at MIT.

I saw a girl who was dressed exactly like me. Un-ironically.

*Sigh* Love

The guy I've been in love with for the past...7 years has recently acknowledged my existence this past year. And today he's starting to pay attention to me. Talk about a drawn out love story...

All in all, it was worth it.

Pennying Someone In

So today a friend and I decided to try an old prank that her told her. Basically you push on someone's door just a crack and then in the slot close to the lock you slide in some pennies. This prevents the person from coming back outside.

We gave it shot on my door and it work really well. So we took it to a friend's door and we were being really secretive and didn't want him to hear/see us. After the deed was done we wanted to see if it worked. So we called and told him there was a package outside his door.

He opened the door with no resistance.

Damn.

Fatty?

So I was talking to a friend today when I found out that the whole time while we were dating, my ex had called one of my best friends fat. And I didn't realise this because he had used indirect terminology that I didn't understand, and when I asked him what it meant he had said that it was an inside joke amongst his friends and I wouldn't get it.

Needless to say, I'm quite glad it's over if he was such a shallow prat that he judged my friends after he only saw them once.